Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Message from Mom

Since I've been in the hospital, I feel a need to constantly grasp onto something...my iPod, the blanket, my phone. I'm not sure whether it is to feel I can control something in my life...I don't know.

I also have been on steroids to contain brain swelling. It has been interesting as I get hallucinations. Usually, I just see my grandchildren peering around the corners at me and saying "hi, Grammy!" or small objects or bubbles floating by me. Nothing scary - no spiders on the wall or anything like that. Just stuff that makes me smile.

This week, I am trying to get some new activities. I'm going to attempt to listen to Tuesdays With Morrie on tape.

I am still contemplating lots of things...especially how to do this. How to die gracefully and bravely. I've been thinking about how to say goodbye to people I've known my whole life. We have so many years and shared experiences together. It occurred to me that you can't say goodbye because they share all your memories and saying goodbye is like throwing out all your memories because you give it all to them. I'm not ready to do that. So I guess I'll be saying see you on another plane or level. Not sure if I believe that but who knows what is possible.

I love you all and look forward to spending more time with you. I try to think of every day as a gift...but some days the gift seems like a pain in my ass (literally). And one day I'll say see you in another place.

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