Despite this recent run of good news, and despite the joy that is slowly starting to creep into my emotions, I have to say, I'm struggling with two other warring emotions - FEAR and GUILT. Let's start with FEAR.
I'm afraid because things like this don't happen. I am afraid of getting hopeful and excited, only to be devastated later. I am afraid that if we lose this baby, I'll never get pregnant again, naturally, with fertility treatments - at all. I am afraid that after getting giddy, I'll have to readjust my mental state, and go back to hoping it could happen naturally again. And at what point do we draw the line again and return to fertility treatments? And how hard will it be to convince DH to put our money into more fertility treatments now that we've experienced...THIS. But mostly, I'm afraid it is all too good to be true. I find myself wanting to bargain...if this baby is okay, I'll be a better person, or I'll...something? What could possibly be a worthy bargaining chip? Do I commit to some horrible thing later? Well, who wants that?! Fear is awful - I lived in fear most of my pregnancy with Micah, and I hated that. But I am so afraid of getting crushed emotionally. I tend to protect myself - I don't like to put myself out there until it is safe. I think investing in hope is so horrible for all of us who struggle with infertility - because it seems it is the hope that nails us every time.
Now, let's talk about GUILT. I feel guilty that I'm experiencing "easy." Hello - we're supposed to be "one of us" not "one of them." Easy doesn't happen in my world. Simply using instead cups, a monitor and progesterone cream and getting pregnant is kind of a joke, right? Where were the specimen cups, test tubes, needles, magic wand visits, and room full of people? This can't be for real. Where are the cameras? Or someone jumping out and yelling "You're on candid camera!" or "You've been PUNKED!" How does someone with an ovulation issue get pregnant by a guy whose sperm don't swim? Kind of reminds me of the scene in Sex in the City, when she asks how a woman with only 1 lazy ovary got pregnant by a 1-balled guy. I think most of all, I don't want to hurt anyone else who is still in pain, waiting to TTC #1. I remember how I felt when I read stories like this while TTC'ing #1. I was happy for them, and it gave me hope that miracles can happen...but then the touch of bitter would hit, and I'd think "yeah, for everybody else but me." It isn't that I wasn't happy for others...it just made me more sad for me. I don't think this is fair - I'm torn between thinking "THANK YOU!" and "Why me?" So, I am feeling guilty - like I just got a windfall benefit at someone else's expense. Ridiculous, right? And then I'm afraid to feel too guilty like it is gloating - you know, pride goeth before the fall (see FEAR above).
So, for those of you reading this who are thinking "WOW, congrats" and "why doesn't this happen for me?" at the same time, I hear you. I understand that. I don't have a good answer. But maybe, just maybe, you, too, can be on the other end of this one day. That is my hope, no matter how this pregnancy ends for me - if the tables can turn for me, they can turn for others, too! I guess most of all, I'm trying to take away some hope from this experience. I hope it ends well, but if it doesn't, I hope that IUI could work for us, and that we WILL get pregnant again one day. And I have hope for all of you, too.
One last story. A friend of mine (same age as me) was married for 10 years. They couldn't get pregnant, and sought fertility treatments. Even with medical intervention, they just couldn't get her to ovulate. They attempted one IVF, and it was cancelled due to failure to respond. So, they threw in the towel on fertility treatments. They went down the road of adoption, and adopted a beautiful baby boy! Their son lit up their lives. About 1 1/2 years later, they got a call from the birth mother - she was pregnant again, with a girl - did they want her baby again? Joy of joys, they had a complete family - a boy and a girl, who were biological siblings. What could be more perfect? Except my friend wasn't feeling well. She went to the doctor because she was worried about her health. After some testing, she learned she was almost 4 months pregnant! Ironically, she gave birth to a beautiful boy this morning. I wonder how many times these kind of "miracles" happen? Infertility is a strange thing, isn't it?
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