Friday, August 28, 2009

WARNING: TTC is bad for your mental health

I remembered today that TTC makes me crazy. I think that there should be a warning issued by the FDA - something that indicates that TTC is bad for your mental health. I'm really not sure where these labels belong - perhaps on fertility aids and pregnancy tests? I think it does not matter how hard you work at staying sane - somehow, ttc messes with your head.

We are kind of back on the TTC bandwagon again. I am committed to trying to keep myself calm and nonchalant about this process as I really do not believe we will get pregnant again without another IVF. Nevertheless, this cycle I dusted off my monitor and started to POAS again. I think I missed POAS while I was pregnant - crazy, right? Every morning, I take out a stick, pee on it, insert it in the monitor, and then hold my breath - unsure of whether I wanted to see it scream HIGH. HIGH fertility is frightening to me - it somehow triggers this sandstorm of something horrible...HOPE.

Day after day this cycle, I've seen my monitor scream LOW. I expected that - based on my calculations, I did not expect to see an egg (PEAK) until day 23 or 24 at the earliest. As I hold my breath for those moments each morning, I admit that there was a tiny wave of disappointment each day the monitor returned its verdict: LOW. Then the negative thoughts started creeping back in - is my PCOS bad again? Maybe I'm not ovulating? Is the monitor broken? When I stopped to think about it, I knew all of those concerns were silly (and really beyond my control) - I should just be relieved that I did not have day after endless day of HIGH fertility showing up. That happened the last time around due to my PCOS. Endless days of HIGH are exhausting - you BD everyday thinking "this is it" and "tomorrow I'll see the egg!" and the next day...HIGH again.

Yesterday - it finally happened. I inserted the stick and held my breath, and there they were - the two little bars indicating HIGH fertility. Yes, I admit it - knowing that I am (supposedly) fertile and seeing the monitor scream HIGH makes me want to HOPE again - dream that we'll have a beautiful intimate experience that leaves us blessed with another perfect baby. Yeah, right - I should know better by now! Like we'd ever get pregnant without a minimum of 3 or 4 people in the room...and a catheter...and an ultrasound machine.... And, yet, I hope.

I told DH we hit HIGH on the monitor and we made plans to work a little bd in to our evening plans. I calmly explained to DH that with my crazy cycles, we could have many days of HIGH fertility, and I would be surprised if we saw PEAK before Monday or Tuesday - day 24 or 25 of my cycle. There I was, working hard to "manage" his expectations.

Last night worked out perfectly - we got a little bd in and we experimented with the Instead Softcups. Can't hurt, right? For those who are unfamiliar with Instead Softcups, they are little disposable plastic cervical cups that were designed for use as a "feminine hygiene" product - to catch AF. Someone got the great idea to use these for fertility/ttc purposes, and the anecdotal evidence is pretty impressive. Instead has filed papers with the FDA to market the cups as a fertility aid, and just this spring, another company released a "conception kit" that is practically the same thing (only far more expensive and it requires a doctor's prescription). We've tried everything else, so we figured it was worth a $10 investment to try this, too.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to figure out the cup the first try. But since I was sure we had days of HIGH left to practice, we gave it a try! Much to my surprise, the little bugger popped right into place. Even more amazing? No leakage! I hate leaking all over the place after bd. This morning, I woke up, POAS, and worked on taking out the Instead Softcup. It was actually kind of difficult to remove - I think proof that it was in properly. It was also full of...shall we say "stuff" that also has to be a good sign, right? I went off to get the baby and nearly forgot to check my monitor. Much to my surprise...there was an egg! Yes, that is right - PEAK fertility and it is only CD 20 for me! I'm a bit surprised. DH and I got another bd session in (this time, we used a collection condom and put everything in the cup and inserted it) and we hope to go again tonight.

All good news, right? You would think. Except now the crazies have started. I can't decide if I really believe my monitor. Is it SURE I'm surging? It seems kind of early to me. How do I know if I've really O'd since I'm neither temping nor having bloodwork done? I usually can tell from the cramping, but I haven't felt any cramping. Why, oh why, did I stop temping? Maybe we should keep going with bd through CD 26 just to be safe? Should I try to call my doctor and have my progesterone checked? Even if I'm O'ing, how do I know if it is a good O?

Yes, the crazies. I forgot how quickly and easily they sneak up on you and take over. That, and hope. I keep thinking it is *possible* we could get pregnant this way - it happens all the time, right? I have to sit here and remind myself that DH has only 33% motile sperm, only 10% morphology, and his boys don't like to swim forward - they mostly flop in circles. IUI didn't work, so WHY would I hope this could work? I'm supposed to be killing time until we start TTC "for real" via fertility treatments.

And yet...I'm hoping. Wish me luck! I'll try to remember not to be disappointed when it doesn't work out this month. I think we are giving ourselves 3 tries before we move on to IUI. So...1 almost down, 2 to go!

1 comment:

Dr. Heather said...

Wishing you the best! I still haven't had PPAF yet. I POAS twice this week which was negative. I just have constant off and on PMS! We hope to TTC again closer to when Michael is 2.