I want to be an Army Ranger....

Micah is crawling! He sometimes crawls on all fours, but his preferred mode of crawling... Army style! I know I'm a proud mom, but isn't he adorable?



Spa day was a raging success - I had a thoroughly relaxing massage and a facial, and a fantastic dinner by the water. What more could I want? I did fine without pumping, and Micah did a great job taking the bottle all day. Our only problem? I wasn't around to enforce the schedule. DH did not exactly make sure Micah got his 2:00 nap, so Micah crashed hard at 5:30 when the babysitter was here... and slept until 7:30. When I came home after 8, she was just feeding him dinner. He was up until well after 9 last night, but he finally went down and slept through the night. Today was a good day, and I insisted on napping on time today!

On the TTC front, I had forgotten how the planning to TTC so easily becomes a compulsion. I mean, I've only been back to using my monitor for about 3 days! If you are charting or using a CBEFM, it has to be that first thought in the morning... "temp time!" or "pee on stick." And somehow, it just kind of stays at the front of the brain all the time.

I am now on CD 12 (and yes, once again I'm conscious of my cycle days), and still seeing low fertility on the monitor. In some ways, it is a relief. I've been having 38 day cycles, so I am really not expecting to ovulate before CD 24 or 25, but in the past I've had as many as 12 or 13 days of "high" fertility (which, frankly, is kind of useless!). Every morning as I take the stick out, I hold my breath for just a second, not sure if I want the monitor to shout "high alert" and kick off that bd frenzy. I'm terrified of getting excited or having this consume me again, and I'm terrified of that constant feeling of disappointment that just sort of sits on your chest, no matter what else is happening in life.

I know it is silly to get excited or stressed - I'm about 97% certain we will not be able to get pregnant on our own (there is always that 3% chance of success, but who are we kidding?) so I should be looking at these next few months as "fun time" with DH. Clearly, I need to work on that. I find the thoughts in my head swirling about when to bd when the monitor hits high, and how often we should try and use the Instead cups we bought, and should we try to have DH just "do his business" in the Instead cup or a collection condom to transfer into the instead cup, and blah, blah, blah. Ugh! So much for rolling with it. I really don't want to care - I want to continue to enjoy this precious time I have with Micah, and see this as a countdown to my next IVF. Isn't IF fun? In my head, I still have the perspective of a first-timer. I do think nothing hurts quite like primary infertility. There is a certain luxury to know "at least I have one" and I am truly trying to hold on to that feeling. But I guess even when it is the second time around, IF just sucks. But I still think I shouldn't whine *quite* as much as those IFers TTC #1.