Sunday, June 6, 2010

Adjusting

I'm having a difficult time adjusting to life without my dog. It probably sounds crazy to you...especially those of you who do not have pets. I find myself looking for Nugget - unconsciously. I wake up in the night and notice she isn't on the bed, so I sit up and search the room for her...until I remember that she is gone. I find myself glancing around the room and searching for her throughout the day, or checking my path as I walk to the bathroom to be sure I avoid tripping over her. I pause to hold the gate open as I go up the stairs to make sure that she can get through and follow me...only to realize that she isn't there to follow me. I wake up at a noise in the early morning, and I peer over the edge of the bed, expecting Nugget to be there pawing at the side of the bed to tell me she is ready to get up and start the day. I miss her crazy "burrowing" that she does every morning when we all wake up, and her digging on the bed covers at night to make a comfortable spot for herself. I notice the odd silence (lack of jingling from her tags) and wonder what she has gotten into, and then remember why it is so quiet in the house. I find myself doing the defensive moves to rescue fallen food from the floor and grabbing stray dishes so that Nugget doesn't have a chance to get in there and steal it...and then realize the food is safe now. Out of habit, I gave Micah a cheese stick earlier today and immediately picked him up and put him on the couch and started to stand guard so Nugget didn't steal it from him - and then realized he could walk freely around the house (and even put the stick down on the coffee table) without any worries right now.

I've also learned that Nugget might have been the best housekeeper in this family - in the 3 days since her passing, this house has become a complete and utter mess! There are trails of crumbs and food all over the place - my carpet has never looked so disgusting! After 12 years, I have apparently developed horrible habits as well - I noticed today as I was eating a graham cracker and leaving a trail behind me that I had grown to rely on my furry little hoover who always stood right beneath me to catch my crumb trail. We are going to have to re-learn new habits, and quickly!

I have to say, I thought Micah would show more visible signs of missing Nugget. He doesn't really seem to look for her or call her at all. I think he has already moved on, but perhaps that is for the best. In the next few months, we will be turning his world upside down - first, his dog is gone, next, we will be bringing a baby home, and then we will be moving from the only house he has ever known. I hope he is able to easily adjust.

In slightly better news, my mom was released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I'm being a bit cautious about writing this out because we still never seemed to get a firm diagnosis and she is still not feeling great. Since Friday, she has been extremely tired. I understand sickness can wipe you out, but I'm still a bit worried - I would like to see her regain her energy again. She has a bunch of doctors appointments to go to this week, so perhaps we will get some more definitive answers. All we know is that she has been dealing with nausea and stomach issues, that she can eat and function while she is on a ton of anti-nausea meds, and they found fluid in her lungs so they told her it was pneumonia and put her on two antibiotics. They have not yet confirmed by xray that the fluid in her lungs has cleared up (in fact, it had gotten worse on Thursday). I'm hoping at least we can get that cleared up this week.

Micah was a bear to put to bed tonight - he fought and cried for about 45 minutes. We had to go back in a few times, but he just did not want us to leave him alone tonight. I guess I can understand that - some nights, I hate to leave him, too. Micah has been talking more and more every day. He has been stringing two words together (sit down, get out) at times, and he is repeating a lot of words. He has been loving tennis, and he dutifully cheered with me for Rafael Nadal as he won his 5th French Open title today. Every time Rafa hit the ball, Micah would raise his arms and yell "Go!" He saw an apple on my shirt today (I got it at the grand opening of an Apple Store years ago) and he spent the night pointing at it and saying "apple." He seems to be repeating letters of the alphabet when we show them in a book or on some of the TV shows like Sesame Street and Between the Lions. He also seems to be recognizing some numbers. We have been counting backwards from 20 or 10 every time we change his diaper (he seems to enjoy it and it keeps him still until we get to 1 - not sure why, but it works). The last few days, he tries to count with us - he repeats some of the numbers, and a few times I even *think* he might have said a number or two with me!

As for me - well, I'm shocked this baby hasn't arrived yet, but a little relieved because I'm not sure how I could handle it. I've been contracting every 4-5 minutes for most of the past few days. I've had periods when the contractions are stronger, but they do not seem to be converting into full-blown labor yet. I am having a lot of pain/discomfort from the baby when I stand, so I keep thinking we are close. I just hope after all this pre-term labor nonsense I don't end up going PAST my due date! I really thought she would arrive today. My next guess is June 15, since that is the date for everything else...my parents' anniversary, my brother's birthday, and every few years it is Father's Day, too. I really hope I have the baby this week, though - I have a conference I am supposed to present at on June 26!

So...I'm hanging in there. I'm feeling pretty down a lot - still having some random crying fits here and there. I really hope all of this pre-baby stress doesn't turn into post-partum depression for me. I'm just worn down right now, and definitely feeling a little blue from everything. I am trying my best to pick myself up by my boot straps, though, but right now it is feeling like a challenge.

3 comments:

HopingforBaby05 said...

I just wanted to send you a big hug, Tess. I can't imagine all that you are going through right now. I'm glad your mom is home and I hope you get some answers soon. I'm so sorry about Nugget. She sounded like a wonderful member of the family.

::hugs::

Prather Family said...

First of all ((Big Hugs)) to you. I remember the days after losing Matti and those days were so strange. I kept expecting to hear his nails clip clopping around our hard wood floor, or hearing him whine to go out. He was also a great little hoover in our house too. It took a while before I got to used to the new normal in our house and then it chaged with having the girls. I hope that you get a chace to relax and get prepared for this new baby. I keep thinking the same thing as you - shouldn't she be here by now? LOL

justine said...

I'm so sorry for your loss ... especially now, in these last few days before the new baby.

Thanks for visiting my blog, too ... I will be thinking of you and hoping that everything goes smoothly for you!