Friday, September 4, 2009

Case of the Crazies

It is official - I have a case of the TTC crazies. You would think I could avoid such nonsense. I mean, seriously, I have this overwhelming urge to reach out, grab myself, and shake some sense into me as I scream "HELLO - YOU'RE INFERTILE!!"

Nevertheless, infertile or not, here I sit thinking "I could be pregnant!" I'm reading pregnancy signs and symptoms into everything. I should know better. I DO know better. We don't get pregnant without a little help from an RE (and a magic wand, a few tubes, and an entire lab of assistants). And yet, somehow, I still think well-timed intercourse could lead to 2 beautiful pink lines. I must be certifiable!

What set this off? Yesterday, I started spotting at 5 dpo. Dark brown, very light, and it lasted through tonight. It seems to be gone now, but the crazies have me thinking, no, believing, that it must be implantation spotting. I'm sure I've spotted other cycles - I just can't remember right now. Or I'm sure there is some other logical explanation for the spotting - not that I can believe right now. Suddenly, my breasts now feel tender (it couldn't possibly be from weaning, you know), and I feel like my uterus is tightening. I'm going to feel like an idiot when AF arrives in 8 more days.

I forgot about the ups and downs of TTC - how much we agonize every month, despite every promise to relax and enjoy. I'm really okay if we aren't pregnant this month - or any time before our IVF. That is what I expected. I'm not in a hurry to get pregnant again - I'm still so thankful for my little Micah and enjoying every moment with him. These were just the first months I was willing to risk that remote possibility of the miracle infertility BFP we all dream about. It is the *hope* that is killing me. Why on earth would I even start hoping I could be pregnant our first month of actually trying? Infertiles like us don't get pregnant this way. I just need to keep repeating that to myself, over and over again.

Ugh - I hate the 2ww.


Sam and Kerry said...

It's the hope that gets you doesn't it?

Chele said...

Sending ++++ vibes that you get your BFP. I am thankful to not be on that particular crazy roller coaster of emotions.

Kari said...

I think described every infetile woman's thoughts! I can remember analyzing everything not that long ago. I really hope it happens for you on your own this time!

Prather Family said...

It is just that hope that could show us that maybe, just maybe we could get a beautiful BFP without the RE's help. I bet I would go back to crazy woman TTC'er if we decided to try again also.

I'll send you some baby dust anyways. Good luck.

looking4#3 said...

Just found you through StirrupQueen. Thought I'd say HI. We are trying to give our son a new brother or sister too. I am hoping that our first IUI was successful, but now I am almost laughing at myself.
I can so relate to your post here!!

Circus Princess said...

You just put a big crooked smile on my face. I recognize and know all of your symptoms and the intense feeling of hope so well.

I hope for a miracle for you!!