Friday, March 13, 2009

I wasn't ready for the call.

I've been cranking and complaining for weeks now about how difficult it is to get my work done, and how we need to figure out a childcare solution, and how I wouldn't mind some free time to just get my life back and focus on my work. We have been on the wait list at 3 different daycare centers since June of last year. Today, one of them called and said they have an opening for us, immediately, for Mondays and Fridays.

After all of that . . . I'm feeling incredibly ambivalent about putting him in daycare. I guess I kind of hoped I could make it to 6 months before we had to put him in daycare. And part of me would really prefer to hire a nanny who will watch him in the house so I can come and go as I please and have him right here. But, the nanny option may not be reasonable, and we haven't yet called any of the in-home child care centers. We are talking to a few different people about a possible nanny-share option.

So . . . back to the daycare call. I'm feeling ridiculous! We are only talking about maybe putting him there 3-5 hours on Mondays and Fridays to test the waters and see if that works for us. I should be excited, right? And yet . . . I feel kind of sad. I never intended to be a stay at home mom, but part of me is feeling that no one else will teach him and nurture him like I can. I'm so concerned that putting him in daycare this young will somehow stunt his development. I'm sure every mom goes through this. I've seen so many kids whose parents put them in daycare thrive - I guess it is just harder to process when it is YOUR baby. I hate the thought of him being ignored - what if they don't talk to him or play with him enough? What if he doesn't hear "I love you" enough? Somehow, once they are 6 months old . . . sitting up, playing with stuff, it doesn't seem to bother me as much. But right now . . . he is still so little!

I wish I could do it all!


Shannon said...

I feel your pain...its so hard. At the end of the day, Cameron ended up being in daycare every day for 8 hours, he was with some "lady" more than with his own Mommy. Its a hard choice. I wouldn't blame you for waiting until the 6 month mark, but every day will probably make it harder and harder to actually put him in a daycare! How could it not be? Micah is just so adorable!

Sarah said...

I can imagine how hard that must be for you! I don't really like the idea of people ignoring him and his needs/not knowing how to soothe him for an hour or so in the church nursery!! Good luck with your decision and BIG HUGS to you!

Chele said...

You're not being silly. It's hard to turn the care of your child over to anyone no matter how short the time frame is. I will tell you for us it was a lot easier having someone come to our home to watch Derek than when he was in daycare outside the home. The mornings were less rushed and he was around everything familiar to him.

I agree Micah is adorable.

Mandy and Russel said...

Oh I'm so sorry. Reading this post actually made me hurt for you. I can feel how conflicted you are with it. It sounds like if you were able to work at the in home nanny thing that would be a nice "soft" start, KWIM? Maybe work your way up to out of the home daycare. You're such a great Mom, you'll make the best choice!!

Kari said...

I am sure that this is a very hard decision. Being comfortable with someone who is a HUGE part of your child's life is very important. I run an at home day care and it feels more like an extended family than a job. In a good center or family home they will make you feel welcome and make you feel like your child is more than just a paycheck. You will know if it is the right place for Micah and if it isn't then keep looking, the perfect place will come along. I am sure no one can compare to mommy but someone will be a pretty good second best. Good luck!

infertilityrocks said...

I still have mommy guilt about my own working too. It never fully goes away. But I'll tell you my experience:

I went back to work two half-days a week when my son was 8 weeks old. And you know? He did terrific! I think it helped him to be a flexible child to this day...and it gave me some 'me time' back again.

Working part-time is the best solutiion I've found to dealing with the mommy-work-guilt thing!