Big step today

At my last appointment, the midwife "yelled" at us for not enrolling in a birthing class yet. For as ready as I am to be a mommy and to meet this little guy, I guess I am completely avoiding thinking about the birth part of this process. I mean - we haven't even picked out furniture, or decided on a name, or chosen the bedding, or started a registry!! I keep thinking there is so much time for everything later.

For me, I guess the biggest part of thinking about the birthing process is my anxiety over needles. Okay - I'll be honest - it isn't just a general anxiety about needles. Yes, I'll admit it - I have a doctor-certified phobia of needles. And no, going through IVF, I didn't "get over" my needle phobia. My RE had given me a referral to a psychiatrist months ago to deal with this . . . and I've been sitting on the referral.

At our last midwife appointment, we discussed birthing classes. I am planning to try a natural child birth (prompted in large part by my overwhelming phobia of needles - I'd rather feel every contraction and rip than have a needle stuck in my back ANY day). I'm guessing that if I have to have a c-section, they will likely have to knock me unconscious, because I can't imagine how they will get a needle in my back to keep me lucid during a c-section. After our discussion, the midwife recommended that we try a hypnobirthing class. Yes, I agree - it does sound a tad bit "new-age" and crazy to me. I think that is why I've been delaying the process of signing up. The midwife thought it would give me techniques for coping and self-relaxation that would give me more control over my emotions and my response to any needles that will be used during child birth. The concept is appealing to me . . . but part of me thinks I'm too practical and logical for something as "silly" as hypnosis.

DH and I had a long discussion the other night and decided that this is the right choice for us, and we are now committed and trying to get excited about hypnobirthing. Now, if I could just stop chuckling every time I say "hypnobirthing" that would be a vast improvement! I contacted 2 locations, and we have to decide which place we will be taking our class. I plan to sign us up this week.

After tackling the birthing class issue, I realized that part of my aversion to picking a class has a lot to do with my needle phobia. I have been informed (although I am currently choosing not to believe) that I will have to be on IV antibiotics during labor because I am a Strep B carrier. This Strep B issue has thrown a kink in my needle-free birth plan, and has me incredibly anxious. Let's just say I cannot imagine how any anesthesiologist is going to get a needle in me to give me antibiotics I don't particularly want without getting a black eye and possibly losing a few teeth.

Once this obvious connection dawned on me, I decided to take charge of my phobia and call the doctor. Naturally, the doctor was not in, and I left a message. About one hour later, the office manager returned my call. It only took about 3 minutes on the phone with her before I was filled with anxiety and practically in tears. I asked about phobia treatments, and after hearing the long spiel about the cost for treatment, they don't participate with insurance, we have to pay out of pocket, blah blah blah . . . she informs me they plan to treat my needle phobia by bringing me into the office and repeatedly stabbing me with needles until I get over it. Okay, perhaps I am over-simplifying the process a bit, but that was the gist of it. I informed the office manager that I did not think that approach would work for me, and I politely thanked her for her time and hung up the phone. I firmly believe if needle desensitization were going to work for me, going through IUI with injectibles and an IVF would have "cured" me of my phobia, but no such luck.

At this point, my anxiety hit a new peak as the realization dawned on me that I will be going into labor and needing an IV with this phobia looming over me, and no coping mechanisms to help improve the experience for me. About one hour later, the doctor called back to try and convince me that the needle stabbing process would, in fact, benefit me. I just know that nothing she said offered me any comfort. Her philosophy was basically that exposure to the needles would make me see I'm being ridiculous, and I would magically get over when I realize the needles won't kill me. I would not say this doctor conveyed a warm fuzzy feeling. In fact, her thick German accent created visions of a masculine-looking German frau dressed in Nazi garb strapping me to a table and repeatedly (and sadistically) stabbing me with needles and hooking me up to IVs as her wicked and maniacal laughter reverberates around the darkened room. Not that I have a vivid imagination.

While I sat here hyperventilating, I went back and looked at one of the hypnobirthing web sites . . . and realized that one of the locations is a full hypnosis center! I put in a call and left a message about hypnosis and phobias. About one hour ago, the doctor called me back to discuss treatment of phobias. I explained my situation . . . and she seemed sympathetic. She did not laugh, nor did she tell me she would stab me with needles until I got over it. She asked if I knew the root of the problem, and I shared my story with her (short version - bad allergic reaction to an immunization as a child, followed up 6 years later with a bad IV that damaged a nerve in my hand). She talked a lot about emotional energy, and how negative emotions can sometimes override the body's internal logic and control functions. She made me feel that it was possible to take control of my emotions, and release them in a way that would let my logical brain dominate over my fear. I am still not sure if I believe in hypnosis, but on Friday I am going in for my first session to give it a try! I think even if it gives me the confidence to face this, or a few coping techniques, it will be well worth the money and effort.