The results are in . . . .

Today I am five weeks pregnant. Unbelievable! I went to the doctor for Beta #2, and the good news is that we have doubling!! The beta came back at 1809 today. So far, this little bean is hanging in there. I cannot even begin to explain the relief that washed over me when I heard the number. I go back for my final beta on Wednesday, then next week is picture day!!

For those of us who struggle with infertility, I think every step of the process is tempered with fear . . . we are so accustomed to bad news that we continue to wait for the "other shoe to drop." We distance ourselves from the joy a bit to prepare for the elusive "bad news" that we somehow believe is inevitably on the way. Rather than every cloud has a silver lining, I think some of us feel that every rainbow has a cloud (or a thunderstorm) lurking nearby.

Little by little, I am slowly starting to let down my guard and experience this joy. I am finally getting accustomed to saying the words . . . "I'm pregnant." In fact, I walk around saying it quite often the past two days. I told the radio this morning. Don't worry, it didn't answer back. I am certain I have now told the dog about 100 times (she mostly just looks bored when I share my news). I believe I also told the mirror. I am thrilled to say the person in the mirror smiled back at the news!

I'm so ready to start buying maternity clothes, and picking out furniture for the baby's room, but . . . again, the fear controls. I am afraid of making too many plans before we see a heartbeat.