Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Forgot to Post this

I should have posted this a long time ago. Just before Micah was born, I was getting very frustrated with all the contractions that were not leading to labor. I spoke to my friend in NY, and told her I was planning to hire her husband (an attorney) to evict Micah, because I was fed up with the ongoing war between Frank and Micah, and I thought Micah was ready to come out and join us and put me out of my misery. Here is what I received about 7 hours before my water broke:

CIVIL COURT OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK

COUNTY OF QUEENS: HOUSING PART

--------------------------------------------------------------X

TKEYS

Petitioner-Landlord, Index No.: _____________

-against-

JOHN DOE,


NOTICE OF PETITION

(holdover)

Respondent-Tenant,

John Doe, refers to that infant child who is

currently using and occupying the uterus of

Petitioner named herein and who is in possession

of such uterus for which the license of

Respondent-Tenant has been revoked by

Petitioner despite his use and occupy of the subject

Premises and subsequent use, in whole or in part, of

all appurtenant organs, tissues, and

other anatomical and physiological appurtenances

thereto and herein described.


Premises: TKEYS

Uterus of Petitioner

---------------------------------------------------------------X

To the Respondent above-named and described, in possession of the Premises hereinafter described or claiming possession thereof:

PLEASE TAKE NOTICE that a hearing at which you must appear will be held at the Civil Court of the City of New York, County of Queens located at 89-17 Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica, New York 11435 on ___________________ at 9:30 am in the forenoon of that day, on the annexed Petition of TKEYS dated December ___, 2008 which prays for a final judgment of eviction and revocation of any license to occupy the premises, awarding Petitioner possession of Premises described as follows: all organs of Petitioner including, but not limited the uterus as demanded in the Petition, which you must answer. Your answer may set forth any defense or counterclaim against Petitioner, unless such defense or counterclaim is precluded by law or by prior agreement of the parties. Demand also is made for a judgment against you for the sum of at least One Thousand Five Hundred Dollars And No Cents ($1,500.00) for the attorneys’ fees of Petitioner.

TAKE NOTICE also that if you fail to immediately vacate the uterus of Petitioner, even if you interpose and establish any defense that you may have to the allegations of the Petition, you may be precluded from asserting such defense or the claim on which it is based in any other action or proceeding, your failure to answer and appear may result in a final judgment by default for the Petitioner against you for the relief demanded in the Petition.

TAKE NOTICE that this Court has personal jurisdiction over the parties mentioned herein because counsel for Petitioner lives in the City of New York, Borough of Queens, State of New York, and is happy for the Petitioner.


TAKE NOTICE also that under Section 745 of the Real Property Actions and Proceedings Law, you may be required by this Court to make a deposit of use and occupancy, or a payment of use and occupancy to the Petitioner, upon your second request for an adjournment or if the proceeding is not settled or a final determination has not been made by this Court within thirty (30) days of the first Court appearance. Failure to comply with an initial deposit or payment order may result in the entry of a final judgment against you without a trial. Failure to make subsequent required deposits or payments may result in an immediate trial on this issues raised in your Answer.

Dated: December 13, 2008

Queens, New York

__________________________

Clerk of the Civil Court

__________________________

Attorney, Esq.

Attorney for Petitioner

IMPORTANT TO TENANT: If you are dependent on a person in the military service of the United States or the State of New York, advise the Clerk of the Court immediately in order to protect your rights.



CIVIL COURT OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK

COUNTY OF QUEENS: HOUSING PART

--------------------------------------------------------------X

TKEYS ,

Petitioner-Landlord, Index No.: _____________

-against-

JOHN DOE,


NOTICE OF PETITION

(holdover)


Respondent-Tenant,

John Doe, refers to that infant child who is

currently using and occupying the uterus of

Petitioner named herein and who is in possession

of such uterus for which the license of

Respondent-Tenant has been revoked by

Petitioner despite his use and occupy of the subject

Premises and subsequent use, in whole or in part, of

all appurtenant organs, tissues, and

other anatomical and physiological appurtenances

thereto and herein described.

Premises: TKEYS

Uterus of Petitioner

---------------------------------------------------------------X

THE PETITION OF TKEYS , owner and landlord of the Premises shows that:

1. The undersigned is the sole owner of the Premises.

2. Petitioner is married to DH.

3. On or about March 2008, Petitioner and DH conceived the Respondent in this matter.

4. Since this time, the Respondent has used and occupied the uterus of Petitioner by, among other acts, attaching himself to the wall of Petitioner’s uterus, developing bodily organs, bone, skin, and other tissue necessary and proper to the development of a human body.

5. Upon information and belief, Respondent understood and agreed that he may use and occupy the premises for a period of nine (9) contiguous months and that at or about the end of such nine month period, depending on the comfort level of Petitioner, Respondent should vacate the premises.

6. Upon information and belief, the vacatur of Respondent was to occur by either natural or artificial means.

7. Regardless of the method of vacatur, Respondent and Petitioner agreed that Respondent’s license to use and occupy the premises was to be revoked at our about the ninth month of use and occupancy or at or about the time that Petitioner could no longer tolerate Respondent’s use and occupancy.

8. To date, Respondent has engaged in conduct that has included, but has not been limited to:

a. Causing Petitioner to vomit incessantly;

b. Causing constant nausea;

c. Sleeplessness and irritability;

d. Irregular eating;

e. Loss of work and consortium; and

f. Such other and further conduct that amounts to nuisance.

9. Respondent holds over and continues in possession of Premises without Petitioner-Landlord’s permission.

10. The Premises occupied by Respondent-Tenant and/or Undertenant is not subject to rent control as defined and described by the New York State Division of Housing and Community Renewal (DHCR). The Premises is a two-family home.

8. The Premises is not a “multiple dwelling.”

9. Petitioner requests final judgment: awarding possession of the Premises to the Petitioner-landlord; and issuance of a warrant to remove Respondent from possession.

10. Petitioner lacks information or notice of any address where Respondent/s reside or are employed or have a place of business or principal office in the State of New York, other than the address of the Premises sought to be recovered.

11. At least thirty (30) days before the expiration of said term the Respondent tenant/s were served in the manner provided for by law with a verbal warning, that the landlord elected to terminate said tenancy and that unless the tenant removed from said Premises on the day on which said term expired, the landlord would commence summary proceedings under the statute to remove said tenant therefrom.

WHEREFORE, Petitioner requests final judgment awarding possession of the Premises to the Petitioner landlord; issuance of a warrant to remove Respondents from possession of the Premises; a judgment for the fair value of use and occupancy of the Premises after October 20, 2005; a judgment of at least One Thousand Five Hundred Dollars And No Cents ($1,500.00) for the attorneys’ fees of Petitioner; and the costs and disbursements of this proceeding.

Dated: December 11, 2008

New York, New York


_____________________________

Attorney, Esq.

Counsel for Petitioner

100 29th Street

Suite 10

New York, New York

(212) XXX-XXXX

5 comments:

Chele said...

LMAO! That was good!

Prather Family said...

Now that is hilarious!

Kari said...

What a laugh that was! I am glad you never had to serve him!

Krissy said...

ROTFL!!!!!

Mandy and Russel said...

You'll have to keep this guy on retainer because apparently Micah responds to threats!! :) I love "The Premises is not a “multiple dwelling.”