I knew yesterday morning when I woke up that it would be the day. Mom's breathing had slowed and it just felt like the end was near.
The prior night (the 27th), around 11:30 pm (just after I finished the blog), I called out a false alarm in the house. I had gone in to see my mother and give her medication. As I entered the room...her breathing seemed to just slow. She made a few choking/coughing noises and groaned a bit, and I thought she was going. Dad and DH came running, and I quickly gave her medication and repositioned her. After a few minutes, Mom's breathing seemed to slow back down again and her groaning stopped. I stayed with Mom for another 30 minutes, and decided to let her rest.
I continued to check on Mom on and off. Around 3:00 am, I headed in to the room to go to sleep. When I got to the room, Mom's breathing was labored again. I gave her more medication, and she groaned a bit. I cleaned her face, I lotioned her body, and I sat with her and talked to her for the next hour and a half. Around 4:30, she seemed to be calm and breathing steadily. I climbed into the twin bed in her room, and probably woke up every 20-30 minutes to listen to her breathing and determine if she needed any more medication.
Somewhere between 7 and 8 am, I noticed that her breathing had slowed way down...only 6-8 breaths per minute. Normal is 10-20 breaths per minute, and above 24 shows signs of distress. We were told that we could not give any more pain medication once her breathing fell below 14 breaths per minute, but I was able to give Mom more medication to prevent anxiety and to dry up her congestion. I also gave Mom more Tylenol because she had been running a fever.
Dad came in around 8:30, and we talked about how her breathing had slowed. The hospice nurse called to say she would be by in a few hours. We spent the morning as we always do...with the kids, eating breakfast, and I continually went in to check on Mom. The hospice nurse arrived around 11, and she also noted the change in Mom. We repositioned her again, and we waited.
We had several friends pop by...my friend N stopped in to drop off some pasta salad for us (she had suggested a play date, but I was worried that Mom would die while the kids were over), and my friends H and B came by to bring us lunch from Panera. The Rabbi stopped in, and then S and G and G and S, and H came by, too. Business as usual, as we waited.
I kept popping in and out to see Mom. I just felt her...slipping away. She was very calm, her breathing seemed to be slowing, and she just seemed to be getting colder. I took some time to lotion up her body and wash her face. I kept her mouth swabbed so it wouldn't be dry. I noticed that her jaw had slackened...over the past few days, she would clench it tight when I tried to swab her mouth, but yesterday, it just hung loose. A few times, I thought her breathing had stopped...it was as if time was frozen as I waited and watched. After 20-30 seconds, her breathing would again resume the slow and rhythmic labored pattern, and I didn't know if I should feel relieved or sad that she was still going.
I kept stroking her head and giving her kisses, and telling her that I loved her. My mother loved to have her back and head "tickled" - just a very soft touch. We would take turns tickling each other's backs (and we would negotiate deals...if you tickle my back for 10 minutes now while we watch tv, I'll do yours next for 10 minutes before I fall asleep). I joked that she would just have to owe me one as I tickled her back and head, and in my mind, I heard her say she'd tack it on to the others she owed me for all the times I tickled her back and head in the hospital. I told her I would miss her terribly, but I told her it was time for her to let go. I promised her we would be okay, that we would stay a family, and we would take good care of each other.
I left her room around 5:45 to go prepare dinner. Not that there was much to prepare...we had N's pasta salad, we pulled out the leftover tuna and egg salad, and DH ate leftover Thanksgiving food. Micah mostly just threw food on the floor. Every 5 minutes or so, I kept running back to check on Mom. I told her we were all eating dinner in the other room, and I told her I'd be back soon. I remember leaving the room as we sat down to eat, and I noticed that her color had...faded. She was looking quite ashen, and I kept thinking that her breathing had slowed again. It was quite shallow, and it almost seemed like more of a reflex. I laid my hand on her chest, but I could not feel her heart beating. Her pulse had been so faint all day today, so it did not surprise me, but she continued to breathe. I gave her another kiss and told her I would be back in a few.
I returned one more time to the room. I entered slowly, and waited to see if her breath was still coming. When I saw her chest rise, I moved closer to the bed. I noticed that the skin on her head looked...ashen, and little purple veins seemed to be visible, forming a geometric pattern across her forehead and skull. I kept thinking it meant something, but had no idea what. I kissed her again, and said I'd be back when dinner was finished.
About 10 minutes later, I returned to the room. I again stood in the doorway...and realized that her breathing had stopped. I moved forward to double check, and I started to cry. I kissed her goodbye, and with tears going down my face and a sob escaping, I walked back to the dining room to tell my Dad and DH. They came running....I know that I removed Mom's oxygen mask and arranged her arms, but I don't exactly know when I did that.
We called my brother. He knew when he answered the phone...I think he just picked up and asked "It's over?" I think I simply just said "yes" and we didn't say much more to each other. What was there to say? My dad called the funeral home and the hospice nurse. While we waited, I started making some phone calls...to family, to friends, to everyone. I didn't know what to say...just to say "it's over." Everyone asked if we needed anything, or if they should come. I told everyone not to come. The hospice nurse arrived shortly before 7 and pronounced Mom. She stayed for a while and took care of a few administrative things.
Naturally, several people started showing up...S and L and G and S. They helped clean and organize and just kept us company while we waited. I think it was around 8:30 or 9:00 before the funeral home arrived to take away my Mom. That was the hardest part. I was worrying about her being cold and alone. I hated to send her away. We said our goodbyes, and even the funeral home attendants were crying. I can't believe my mother was in the room alone when she died. I hope that she wasn't scared or in pain, and I hope that she knew we were here with her and that we all love her so much.
We've been working on arrangements since last night. Today my father and I went to the funeral home, and here I sit...waiting and waiting. We are having trouble thinking of logistics, and I keep wanting to ask my mother for her input. Silly, right?
I cannot believe we are going through this. Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
A little humor through the sad...
From my brother on Facebook:
It's official. RIP Mom. I'll try my best to to continue to make you proud. Not really ready to let go, but no other choice.
And take 2 on Facebook...a little humor during a very sad time:
Well mom, looks like Leslie Nielsen decided to join you up there. So at least it won't be dull. What's that you say, "surely I can't be serious?". Well I AM serious.....and don't call me Shirley.
It's official. RIP Mom. I'll try my best to to continue to make you proud. Not really ready to let go, but no other choice.
And take 2 on Facebook...a little humor during a very sad time:
Well mom, looks like Leslie Nielsen decided to join you up there. So at least it won't be dull. What's that you say, "surely I can't be serious?". Well I AM serious.....and don't call me Shirley.
Fly Away
At 6:15 pm tonight, Mom passed away. All I can say is goodbye, sunshine, I will miss you forever. I love you with all my heart, and we just didn't get enough time together. I have been so lucky to have you in my life - this world was better for every minute you spent here. This world will never be the same again without you, and I hope one day to have as good a relationship with my children as you have had with yours. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to fight and how to live. Thank you for loving me, for being there to cheer me on, to boost me up, and to believe in me. You have been my anchor, kept me from feeling lost and adrift in this crazy world. I'm already lonely without you.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Waiting
No real updates...but for some reason, I feel compelled to write. Maybe it is because I don't exactly know what to do with myself, and maybe it is because I suspect so many of you are out there sitting on edge, waiting and wondering, too. It helps, knowing that people out there care.
Today would have been a typical day in the household...if not for the fact we are waiting. Maya actually slept in her crib last night (well, in the car seat in her crib). She woke up around 8:00 am, and I grabbed her to bring her into bed to nurse. Actually, when I walked into her room, my heart stopped for a moment...she was jammed in the bottom of the bundle me, out of her car seat and caught between the car seat and the crib. All of the horror stories about children dying of strangulation in their cribs flashed through my mind, and I raced over to make sure she was okay. There she was, smiling and cooing, and doing just fine. Naturally, my next set of thoughts were ways to kill DH, especially since I'd asked him before he put her in the crib if she was buckled into the seat.
I took Maya back to the bedroom and decided to kill DH later. Mom was sleeping peacefully. I nursed Maya, and heard Micah wake up. I went in to wake DH, yell at him about the car seat (he claims he misunderstood and thought strapping her into the seat was more dangerous), and ask him to help with the kids.
Our morning was fairly run-of-the mill - Micah threw cereal on the floor, Maya dozed on the bed after nursing, and I gave Mom her medications and moved her a bit. I needed to do a few things to get ready for the day, so I asked DH to sit with Maya while I went about my business.
I cleaned a few things, did some organizing, got dressed, answered some calls, and made appointments with the hospice caregivers. My Dad was out running errands while DH napped with Maya. My parents' neighbors came by this morning to bring some turkey soup. We haven't tried it yet, but DH is planning to eat it for lunch tomorrow. Thank you so much for thinking of us and coming by to visit.
The social worker arrived next. She was quite kind and helpful, and she talked about the different family resources hospice provides. My father arrived home during our meeting and joined us. She stayed for about an hour, and then she left. A short while later, the nurse from hospice came to see my mother. This nurse was a bit...cold. She did not talk to Mom at all before touching her, but she did try to provide us with some helpful information. While she was wrapping up, the home health aide arrived to give Mom a bath. She took care of Mom, helped reposition her, and then she left.
We had a quiet afternoon. My friend L came over and brought lunch (bagels, tuna, egg salad) and then we went for a walk. When we returned, everyone was napping! L left, and I tried to take advantage of the quiet...but of course the kids woke up a few minutes later. I played with the kids and tried to get a few things done around the house. I went in to spend time with my mother, too.
In the late afternoon, S and L, S and J, and R and E arrived. We all sat and chatted a bit, and the ladies got to work helping me clean up the kitchen. I have to say, their help was amazing! We can find things in the drawers, the kitchen table is finally cleared off, I have counter space again (although I still hope to clear off a few more things), and my life is feeling a bit more ordered. I truly hate all the chaos in the house, and really just need a few days to put everything in order.
While they were helping, my friend B brought over dinner - spinach salad, split pea soup, and macaroni and cheese. B is a friend from the past...I met her when I was in 9th grade at a youth group convention. I was a member of a failing chapter, and we were thinking of folding the chapter and either joining another one...or just dropping out of the youth group altogether. I sat at her table at lunch (and today, I actually found out it was no accident). I had no idea that she was the Regional President. We just talked...and next thing you know, I'm deciding to become chapter president and rebuild it. That night, at an event called "Lifetime," the senior girls who held office on the council/regional level were honored. They talk about their time in the youth group, tell stories, but most importantly, they give a twig representing their past to someone who got them started, a twig representing their present to the people most influencing their present, and a twig representing their future to someone they believe will go far in the group. B gave me her future that night...and it changed the course of my youth group experience for me. I ran for President of my chapter, rebuilt it into one of the strongest chapters in the council, and then later became the Council Vice President and President. I can directly thank B for inspiring all of that, and it made a huge difference in my life. When I gave Council life 3 years later, I gave my past to B...even though she wasn't there to receive it. Over the years, we've run into each other on and off, but we never really kept in touch through any regular means. She always meant a lot to me...just the mention of her name could bring a smile to my face. I think we all have people like that in our lives...someone that just means something to us. Through Facebook, B and I reconnected. We comment on each others' statuses, we have exchanged notes, and today, B brought food and support to comfort me through a difficult time. B, I cannot even begin to tell you how much that means to me...and how much your friendship has influenced my life. So, thank you. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you.
S, S and E served us dinner at 6:00, and it was a wonderful dinner. By 7:00, they all said their goodbyes and headed out for dinner together. After dinner, my father watched tv downstairs for a bit. Around 8:15, we started the process of putting the kids to sleep. E took care of Micah, and my father helped me bathe Maya. I nursed her to sleep, and then I tried to transfer her into her crib. Naturally, the screaming ensued. I'm getting so frustrated that Maya won't sleep on her own anymore. I'm really hating this phase, and I do not know how to break her of the habit.
Krystal came by as dinner was wrapping up. She just wanted to see Mom. She was so kind - and it was wonderful to see her again. I had hoped Krystal would be here with us for a long time. I know she will be in our lives forever...and I know that Mom wanted us to celebrate Chanukah with her. So, when the time comes, we're going to have a Chanukah celebration with Krystal and her son.
We tried putting her back in the car seat, and we let her cry for over 30 minutes. Finally, DH decided to take her for a ride in the car. He came back around 10:30 with a sleeping baby, and she is currently in the car seat in the crib (properly buckled in this time). I'm hoping she'll sleep until morning. I think my goal is to get her sleeping at a normal time at night and on her own (not in my arms) for the next few days, and then we'll work on getting her to sleep in the crib without the car seat, and THEN we'll work on getting her to sleep while she is awake but drowsy. One battle at a time, right? I think establishing the habit of an earlier bedtime and sleeping alone should be the first priority, however we get her sleeping.
We are now here sitting and watching the news. I'll head back shortly to check on my Mom, and probably reposition her and give her more medications. I lotioned her up earlier this evening (her skin felt so dry, and I know she always feels itchy when her skin is dry). We gave her some Tylenol because she has a fever, I took off her covers so she could cool down, and I changed her pajama top to a sleeveless shirt. I also used the Albolene on her face, swabbed her mouth, and put the special cream on her head for the radiation itching. Her breathing was slow and steady the last time I checked in on her. I also stopped for a brief conversation...I'm not sure if she can hear me, but I wanted to talk to her about my day. I miss her laugh, and I miss our chats, and I'm just missing my Mom. Maybe that is what drove me here tonight to write.
Thank you all for waiting with us.
Today would have been a typical day in the household...if not for the fact we are waiting. Maya actually slept in her crib last night (well, in the car seat in her crib). She woke up around 8:00 am, and I grabbed her to bring her into bed to nurse. Actually, when I walked into her room, my heart stopped for a moment...she was jammed in the bottom of the bundle me, out of her car seat and caught between the car seat and the crib. All of the horror stories about children dying of strangulation in their cribs flashed through my mind, and I raced over to make sure she was okay. There she was, smiling and cooing, and doing just fine. Naturally, my next set of thoughts were ways to kill DH, especially since I'd asked him before he put her in the crib if she was buckled into the seat.
I took Maya back to the bedroom and decided to kill DH later. Mom was sleeping peacefully. I nursed Maya, and heard Micah wake up. I went in to wake DH, yell at him about the car seat (he claims he misunderstood and thought strapping her into the seat was more dangerous), and ask him to help with the kids.
Our morning was fairly run-of-the mill - Micah threw cereal on the floor, Maya dozed on the bed after nursing, and I gave Mom her medications and moved her a bit. I needed to do a few things to get ready for the day, so I asked DH to sit with Maya while I went about my business.
I cleaned a few things, did some organizing, got dressed, answered some calls, and made appointments with the hospice caregivers. My Dad was out running errands while DH napped with Maya. My parents' neighbors came by this morning to bring some turkey soup. We haven't tried it yet, but DH is planning to eat it for lunch tomorrow. Thank you so much for thinking of us and coming by to visit.
The social worker arrived next. She was quite kind and helpful, and she talked about the different family resources hospice provides. My father arrived home during our meeting and joined us. She stayed for about an hour, and then she left. A short while later, the nurse from hospice came to see my mother. This nurse was a bit...cold. She did not talk to Mom at all before touching her, but she did try to provide us with some helpful information. While she was wrapping up, the home health aide arrived to give Mom a bath. She took care of Mom, helped reposition her, and then she left.
We had a quiet afternoon. My friend L came over and brought lunch (bagels, tuna, egg salad) and then we went for a walk. When we returned, everyone was napping! L left, and I tried to take advantage of the quiet...but of course the kids woke up a few minutes later. I played with the kids and tried to get a few things done around the house. I went in to spend time with my mother, too.
In the late afternoon, S and L, S and J, and R and E arrived. We all sat and chatted a bit, and the ladies got to work helping me clean up the kitchen. I have to say, their help was amazing! We can find things in the drawers, the kitchen table is finally cleared off, I have counter space again (although I still hope to clear off a few more things), and my life is feeling a bit more ordered. I truly hate all the chaos in the house, and really just need a few days to put everything in order.
While they were helping, my friend B brought over dinner - spinach salad, split pea soup, and macaroni and cheese. B is a friend from the past...I met her when I was in 9th grade at a youth group convention. I was a member of a failing chapter, and we were thinking of folding the chapter and either joining another one...or just dropping out of the youth group altogether. I sat at her table at lunch (and today, I actually found out it was no accident). I had no idea that she was the Regional President. We just talked...and next thing you know, I'm deciding to become chapter president and rebuild it. That night, at an event called "Lifetime," the senior girls who held office on the council/regional level were honored. They talk about their time in the youth group, tell stories, but most importantly, they give a twig representing their past to someone who got them started, a twig representing their present to the people most influencing their present, and a twig representing their future to someone they believe will go far in the group. B gave me her future that night...and it changed the course of my youth group experience for me. I ran for President of my chapter, rebuilt it into one of the strongest chapters in the council, and then later became the Council Vice President and President. I can directly thank B for inspiring all of that, and it made a huge difference in my life. When I gave Council life 3 years later, I gave my past to B...even though she wasn't there to receive it. Over the years, we've run into each other on and off, but we never really kept in touch through any regular means. She always meant a lot to me...just the mention of her name could bring a smile to my face. I think we all have people like that in our lives...someone that just means something to us. Through Facebook, B and I reconnected. We comment on each others' statuses, we have exchanged notes, and today, B brought food and support to comfort me through a difficult time. B, I cannot even begin to tell you how much that means to me...and how much your friendship has influenced my life. So, thank you. I look forward to getting reacquainted with you.
S, S and E served us dinner at 6:00, and it was a wonderful dinner. By 7:00, they all said their goodbyes and headed out for dinner together. After dinner, my father watched tv downstairs for a bit. Around 8:15, we started the process of putting the kids to sleep. E took care of Micah, and my father helped me bathe Maya. I nursed her to sleep, and then I tried to transfer her into her crib. Naturally, the screaming ensued. I'm getting so frustrated that Maya won't sleep on her own anymore. I'm really hating this phase, and I do not know how to break her of the habit.
Krystal came by as dinner was wrapping up. She just wanted to see Mom. She was so kind - and it was wonderful to see her again. I had hoped Krystal would be here with us for a long time. I know she will be in our lives forever...and I know that Mom wanted us to celebrate Chanukah with her. So, when the time comes, we're going to have a Chanukah celebration with Krystal and her son.
We tried putting her back in the car seat, and we let her cry for over 30 minutes. Finally, DH decided to take her for a ride in the car. He came back around 10:30 with a sleeping baby, and she is currently in the car seat in the crib (properly buckled in this time). I'm hoping she'll sleep until morning. I think my goal is to get her sleeping at a normal time at night and on her own (not in my arms) for the next few days, and then we'll work on getting her to sleep in the crib without the car seat, and THEN we'll work on getting her to sleep while she is awake but drowsy. One battle at a time, right? I think establishing the habit of an earlier bedtime and sleeping alone should be the first priority, however we get her sleeping.
We are now here sitting and watching the news. I'll head back shortly to check on my Mom, and probably reposition her and give her more medications. I lotioned her up earlier this evening (her skin felt so dry, and I know she always feels itchy when her skin is dry). We gave her some Tylenol because she has a fever, I took off her covers so she could cool down, and I changed her pajama top to a sleeveless shirt. I also used the Albolene on her face, swabbed her mouth, and put the special cream on her head for the radiation itching. Her breathing was slow and steady the last time I checked in on her. I also stopped for a brief conversation...I'm not sure if she can hear me, but I wanted to talk to her about my day. I miss her laugh, and I miss our chats, and I'm just missing my Mom. Maybe that is what drove me here tonight to write.
Thank you all for waiting with us.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Quick Update
I know so many are waiting and wondering what is happening here...and I honestly do not have much to report. Mom is still with us. She seems to be resting comfortably, but her breathing has been more labored today.
This morning, my Mom's friend A showed up with bagels and cream cheese for us - it was a wonderful surprise! She stayed for a bit to help clean up and do whatever she could around the house - she fixed our plants, watered them, did some dishes - it was a huge help. She seemed to be in the same mode as me...I am feeling so out of control in my life that the only thing I can do to exert any control is clean and organize. I cleaned my room, I organized my mother's room, I worked on the bathroom, and I attacked the mess in Maya's room. I also managed to get a shower today, too. I have a long way to go before I actually have the house in order, but I feel a bit less stressed now that my environment is more organized.
As A was getting ready to leave, we had a visit from the home hospice nurse. She arranged for an increased dosage of pain medication (which also helps with her breathing), and she added two additional medications for us - one to help alleviate any anxiety and relax the body (if she is aware), and one to reduce her congestion. The changes in medication seem to be helping - she has been resting comfortably once again, and her breathing has slowed again with the medication.
We had a series of calls from friends and family, and a few more visitors - our cousins, S and L, and then later tonight S and J. The hospice chaplain (Rabbi) stopped by to talk to Dad and DH and say a misheberach (blessing) for Mom. We were supposed to have two other visitors...S and G. Unfortunately, they detoured to the hospital. G is staying there over night, and we still have no word on what happened. We are thinking of them tonight, and hope that he is feeling much better.
We had a quiet dinner of leftovers, and Micah went to bed fairly easily. Maya, however, is being a little stinker. I nursed her, got her into her crib...and 20 minutes later she woke up crying. She is currently curled up on her Goppy's lap watching tv and grinning from ear to ear.
I went back to move Mom again a little while ago. She groaned loudly when I shifted her to her back. She coughed a bit, and seemed quite uncomfortable. I wonder if it was just a reflex, or if she was actually feeling/hearing. I then moved her to her other side, and she seems to be more comfortable again. Today I did our Albolene and lotion routine again, and I made sure to grease up her arms and legs, too. I hope she can feel me washing her face - she always tells me that she loves when I get my hands on her.
So...quiet evening. I will update when I can, but I just wanted to let everyone know that there really isn't anything to know. All the doctors and nurses have been telling us either hours or maybe days.
This morning, my Mom's friend A showed up with bagels and cream cheese for us - it was a wonderful surprise! She stayed for a bit to help clean up and do whatever she could around the house - she fixed our plants, watered them, did some dishes - it was a huge help. She seemed to be in the same mode as me...I am feeling so out of control in my life that the only thing I can do to exert any control is clean and organize. I cleaned my room, I organized my mother's room, I worked on the bathroom, and I attacked the mess in Maya's room. I also managed to get a shower today, too. I have a long way to go before I actually have the house in order, but I feel a bit less stressed now that my environment is more organized.
As A was getting ready to leave, we had a visit from the home hospice nurse. She arranged for an increased dosage of pain medication (which also helps with her breathing), and she added two additional medications for us - one to help alleviate any anxiety and relax the body (if she is aware), and one to reduce her congestion. The changes in medication seem to be helping - she has been resting comfortably once again, and her breathing has slowed again with the medication.
We had a series of calls from friends and family, and a few more visitors - our cousins, S and L, and then later tonight S and J. The hospice chaplain (Rabbi) stopped by to talk to Dad and DH and say a misheberach (blessing) for Mom. We were supposed to have two other visitors...S and G. Unfortunately, they detoured to the hospital. G is staying there over night, and we still have no word on what happened. We are thinking of them tonight, and hope that he is feeling much better.
We had a quiet dinner of leftovers, and Micah went to bed fairly easily. Maya, however, is being a little stinker. I nursed her, got her into her crib...and 20 minutes later she woke up crying. She is currently curled up on her Goppy's lap watching tv and grinning from ear to ear.
I went back to move Mom again a little while ago. She groaned loudly when I shifted her to her back. She coughed a bit, and seemed quite uncomfortable. I wonder if it was just a reflex, or if she was actually feeling/hearing. I then moved her to her other side, and she seems to be more comfortable again. Today I did our Albolene and lotion routine again, and I made sure to grease up her arms and legs, too. I hope she can feel me washing her face - she always tells me that she loves when I get my hands on her.
So...quiet evening. I will update when I can, but I just wanted to let everyone know that there really isn't anything to know. All the doctors and nurses have been telling us either hours or maybe days.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
